This was a difficult year. I have to acknowledge that. Sometimes I forget that things are hard because I am trying to make things a reality. I tried to excuse behaviors, cultural differences, difficult social situations, uncomfortable times, and bad days for “it’s all a part of the experience.” Sometimes I need to stop, sit, and say “yeah, today was tough and it is okay.” That being said, it has been the most incredible year of my life.
This year has challenged me more than I could have ever anticipated. I learned more about myself than I thought I could. Being a theatre person, you are supposed to know yourself well from the little to the big things. I saw more this year (than I even wanted to) of myself and learned what that meant. I grew as a person. I grew as a cultural member. I grew in my language skills. I grew in my interpersonal and intrapersonal skills. I fit into a new cohort of diverse Americans. I found a place for myself in a place and community very different from me. I fell in love with my school community, fellow staff, and students. It will be hard to leave.
As many songs fly through my head while I try to capture my sentiments at the end of the year, I mostly hear and keep revisiting “Closing Time” by Semisonic. The lyrics are the most appropriate for how I feel and how I am coping with leaving this beautiful state and country. Truly words cannot fully capture my experience and time here but it is the closest I feel I will get for now. I know I will come back to visit someday but not knowing when, makes it hard to tell these teary-eyed faces that I will see them again someday. The line “time to go out from the places you will be from” is how I justify my leaving. Yes, it it time for me to go home. I miss my family, friends, and community. I am ready to see them even if I am not quite ready to say goodbye here. I am tired of the bugs, heat, and lack of freedom in my community here even though my school is like a family to me where I can be myself 100% with silliness or seriousness and they accept me. I found a job I love where I do not quite have the full responsibilities of a teacher but I am teaching and having fun with students!
“I know who I want to take me home” my parents and my puppies at home. I want to embrace them, even if for a moment. They are so important to me and this was the longest and farthest I have been away from them. There is still a lot of time in life and there will be a time I can travel and return to Narnia (aka Malaysia) some day but it is not next month or possibly even next year. It is time and I want to return home even if just for a short while.
“Turn all of the lights on every boy and every girl… last call” in a metaphorical way. I am spending my last moments celebrating with my students and loving on each and every one of them as much as I can. I have one last camp I got an US Embassy Grant for to celebrate them and build up their school English library. I am entering as many classes as possible. I am trying to visit with families or students I have grown close to as much as possible. And soaking up all of the love they are giving me in return. “Last call” for selfies, “sweet memories”, and so on here. This is not over or the final end but the end of a chapter for now. I am trying to not say “goodbye” but “see you later” in reality, that I truly believe I will be back someday. Possibly sooner than I realize…
“You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here” is where I am now. Okay yes, technically, I have to go back to the states as per my contract before whatever my next adventure and career move is, knowing it could be abroad again or close to home. I am at a pass where I want to be, what I want to be, or what I want to do next year but I know I cannot stay here in Malaysia. This year has been a great experience but I realized it needed to stay isolated as a year and I need to move onto something else, whatever that may be. Stopping at home will be nice to refresh, recharge my batteries, and then make a clear decision about my next moves.
“This room won’t be open til your brothers and sisters come.” This line could be literal that I need to bring my family here the next time I come or that I will revisit with a new grown relationship with these community members that I stay in touch with while I am gone until I return. There are many people I will stay in touch with here in Malaysia. I let students add my personal Facebook account as well as teachers. I also will try to maintain WeChat and possibly download WhatsApp again to keep in touch with students. I was a student teacher last year so technically they were my first students but this was my first group of full-year students (pretty much). On top of the crazy experience of a year they watched me grow through alongside of them this year.
“So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits. I hope you have found a friend.” Time to pack up my things and fly to the exit. I did make some friends and I will remember this place but it is closing time for me, so I got to go. “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” here in Malaysia. It is time for a new start in my life, something new, not knowing what yet. This ending starts a new beginning of something. I look forward to finding out what that is.
This has been a special year and trying to replicate it or add on did not seem right. It is now a foundational part of my philosophy as a teacher and citizen of the world. I will use this year to remember many things I am passionate about and want to fight for in society on small and large scales. Most of my ideologies were reaffirmed. Some grew, some changed. I am ready to jump into a new adventure while also learning this year what I need in my life to make me happy and comfortable. Closing time in Malaysia. On my Malay way… tomorrow, a new adventure begins.
Lyrics to Closing Time
Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
[Chorus:]
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home
Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won’t be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end
[Chorus:]
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home
Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
[Chorus:]
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end
On My Malay Way 