Closing Time, Reflecting Upon the Year

A kampong backroad with beautiful greens. How I will best remember Malaysia- many hues of green!

TB to Langkawi SMKS field trip

 

This was a difficult year. I have to acknowledge that. Sometimes I forget that things are hard because I am trying to make things a reality. I tried to excuse behaviors, cultural differences, difficult social situations, uncomfortable times, and bad days for “it’s all a part of the experience.” Sometimes I need to stop, sit, and say “yeah, today was tough and it is okay.” That being said, it has been the most incredible year of my life.

TB to meeting my students for their school trip at Pulau Perhenthian. One of my favorite places in the world- most beautiful place I have seen and made many sweet memories there!

This year has challenged me more than I could have ever anticipated. I learned more about myself than I thought I could. Being a theatre person, you are supposed to know yourself well from the little to the big things. I saw more this year (than I even wanted to) of myself and learned what that meant. I grew as a person. I grew as a cultural member. I grew in my language skills. I grew in my interpersonal and intrapersonal skills. I fit into a new cohort of diverse Americans. I found a place for myself in a place and community very different from me. I fell in love with my school community, fellow staff, and students. It will be hard to leave.

TB to a montage a student made for me from my first English Beach Clean Up camp!

As many songs fly through my head while I try to capture my sentiments at the end of the year, I mostly hear and keep revisiting “Closing Time” by Semisonic. The lyrics are the most appropriate for how I feel and how I am coping with leaving this beautiful state and country. Truly words cannot fully capture my experience and time here but it is the closest I feel I will get for now. I know I will come back to visit someday but not knowing when, makes it hard to tell these teary-eyed faces that I will see them again someday. The line “time to go out from the places you will be from” is how I justify my leaving. Yes, it it time for me to go home. I miss my family, friends, and community. I am ready to see them even if I am not quite ready to say goodbye here. I am tired of the bugs, heat, and lack of freedom in my community here even though my school is like a family to me where I can be myself 100% with silliness or seriousness and they accept me. I found a job I love where I do not quite have the full responsibilities of a teacher but I am teaching and having fun with students!

TB to my Female Empowerment Camp with the help of Miss Rachel. Some Form 4 and 5 girls sporting their confidence poster of future goals 🙂

“I know who I want to take me home” my parents and my puppies at home. I want to embrace them, even if for a moment. They are so important to me and this was the longest and farthest I have been away from them. There is still a lot of time in life and there will be a time I can travel and return to Narnia (aka Malaysia) some day but it is not next month or possibly even next year. It is time and I want to return home even if just for a short while.

TB to the Kelantan Vocational Arts Camp 2015 with my SMKS boys at the Royal family dinner!

TB to one of the interviews I did on the radio talking about the arts camp 🙂

“Turn all of the lights on every boy and every girl… last call” in a metaphorical way. I am spending my last moments celebrating with my students and loving on each and every one of them as much as I can. I have one last camp I got an US Embassy Grant for to celebrate them and build up their school English library. I am entering as many classes as possible. I am trying to visit with families or students I have grown close to as much as possible. And soaking up all of the love they are giving me in return. “Last call” for selfies, “sweet memories”, and so on here. This is not over or the final end but the end of a chapter for now. I am trying to not say “goodbye” but “see you later” in reality, that I truly believe I will be back someday. Possibly sooner than I realize…

TB to one of my favorite units with Form 1: Going Places. Today we did stations and traveled to California, USA

Form 1 sporting their “passports” after a long week “journey” to the USA!

“You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here” is where I am now. Okay yes, technically, I have to go back to the states as per my contract before whatever my next adventure and career move is, knowing it could be abroad again or close to home. I am at a pass where I want to be, what I want to be, or what I want to do next year but I know I cannot stay here in Malaysia. This year has been a great experience but I realized it needed to stay isolated as a year and I need to move onto something else, whatever that may be. Stopping at home will be nice to refresh, recharge my batteries, and then make a clear decision about my next moves.

Form 2 deciding how they would feel with certain diabilities

Form 2 final posters for our unit on people with disabilities. Trying to imagine and sympathize. Powerful and emotional day in class

“This room won’t be open til your brothers and sisters come.” This line could be literal that I need to bring my family here the next time I come or that I will revisit with a new grown relationship with these community members that I stay in touch with while I am gone until I return. There are many people I will stay in touch with here in Malaysia. I let students add my personal Facebook account as well as teachers. I also will try to maintain WeChat and possibly download WhatsApp again to keep in touch with students. I was a student teacher last year so technically they were my first students but this was my first group of full-year students (pretty much). On top of the crazy experience of a year they watched me grow through alongside of them this year.

Captured moment of me teaching the entire school the Cha Cha slide in groups to nominate students for my Talent Show “Selising Idol” camp 🙂

“So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits. I hope you have found a friend.” Time to pack up my things and fly to the exit. I did make some friends and I will remember this place but it is closing time for me, so I got to go. “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” here in Malaysia. It is time for a new start in my life, something new, not knowing what yet. This ending starts a new beginning of something. I look forward to finding out what that is.

Some upper form boys teaching me the traditional performative art of Dikir Barat. A popular art form in the state of Kelantan where I have lived this year.

This has been a special year and trying to replicate it or add on did not seem right. It is now a foundational part of my philosophy as a teacher and citizen of the world. I will use this year to remember many things I am passionate about and want to fight for in society on small and large scales. Most of my ideologies were reaffirmed. Some grew, some changed. I am ready to jump into a new adventure while also learning this year what I need in my life to make me happy and comfortable. Closing time in Malaysia. On my Malay way… tomorrow, a new adventure begins.

Form 4 boys trying to be cool for a camera as we are in between takes of our film for the Sarawak Culture Exchange project we did with SMK Seburian

Bus moment from my last English camp buying books for the school library 🙂

TB to YES camp in Setiu, Terangganu making some friends my age 🙂

TB to teaching drama in my happy place, in my element at SMK Sri Nepah!

TB to first picture of my mentor and I when we first met!

TB to one of the first chorale speaking after school days this year 🙂

TB to a typical day in the office with some of my favorite people 🙂

Lyrics to Closing Time

Closing time

Open all the doors and let you out into the world

Closing time

Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl

Closing time

One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer

Closing time

You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here

[Chorus:]

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

Take me home

Closing time

Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

Closing time

This room won’t be open till your brothers or your sisters come

So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits

I hope you have found a friend

Closing time

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

[Chorus:]

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

Take me home

Closing time

Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

[Chorus:]

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

Take me home

Closing time

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

Music Video of Closing Time

Feels Like Home: Balik Kampung Selemat Hari Raya

Balik kampung….balik kampung… Plays in several songs on the radio as the end of Ramdhan comes to a close and the annually anticipated Hari Raya (meaning Great Day, the Malaysian holiday equivalent to the Muslim Eid in other Muslim-practicing countries and cultures) approaches… This was my experience celebrating Hari Raya here in Malaysia for the first time.

I had waited all year, leading up to this big day, for this holiday to finally roll around. It was more spectacular than I even imagined. Travelling around during the full holiday experience, going house to house, meeting all of the extended family, trying all of the traditional and popular or “glamour” foods for Hari Raya all made it so special. I was starting to really miss home and my family so this was a nice taste of family life and seeing how Malaysian families interact. One of my favorite moments, was when we all dressed in our Baju Raya (matching color clothes as you can see in the pictures) for a photo shoot and celebrated the youngest sibling’s birthday. He was born on the eve of Hari Raya Aidilfitri (full name of this holiday since there are two Hari Rayas in Malaysia- fun fact I found out, the second is in September) so his middle name is named after the holiday. The night before we also lit up some fireworks we had purchased at the Ramadhan bazaar the night before to kick off his celebrations. It was so nice to see how the family celebrated him, laughed with him, siblings made jokes to tease him, and I myself started reminiscing in the silly moments I was missing with my siblings. I sat slightly off from a distance and could not help but smile. I just wanted to watch them laugh and interact with each other all day. Of course, then I was served ice cream cake from Baskin Robins and got distracted by the sweet chilly tastes in my mouth. But it was a favorite moment of the experience.

I was approached a couple weeks before Hari Raya by an English teacher I share an office with, who asked me to come with her back to her kampung (village). I had met a couple of her siblings before in Putrajaya (same awesome family who toured me around there) and she thought it would be nice for me to meet the whole family, especially since I would be alone without family for this momentous holiday in Malaysia. Besides.. the city in my state called Kota Bharu would be impossible to get around since nearly all of Kelantan is roaming around house to house- with over 90% of a Muslim Malay population in my state celebrating the upcoming holiday. I was so honored and flattered by the invitation, I did not think twice before agreeing to come along with her. I did not know how to fully prepare myself for this trip but was so excited to be tagging along!

Leaving for Melaka was an experience in itself as we drove over night from Kelantan (luckily against the traffic). So many people who grew up in my state where I am placed in Kelantan often grow up to work in the West coast in peninsular Malaysia (on the opposite coast) yet they always “balik kampung” (go back to their home town) for the holidays so there is a huge jam (traffic). We stopped around 2:00am or so at my teacher’s husband’s sister’s house in Negeri Sembilan (another state where I had not visited yet) to give gifts and wish her well on her upcoming trip to America. Another “Sweet memory” as is common to say in Malaysia here. We got to discuss all of my favorite things in Washington, D.C. and New York City where she would be travelling. Then made it around 4:00 am to her family’s house to sleep for almost an hour and wake up to break the fast. Luckily with Ramadhan still finishing once we got up to eat before the sun came up and we had to stop around 5:30 am before we fasted until about 7:30 depending on the movement of the sun for that day, the family would go for prayer and I could fall back asleep as well as take frequent naps during the day when we were not cooking or going around town. Most of the sight-seeing happened after Ramadhan ended though, since we only had a couple days left and wanted to save our energy for the fasting.

From helping prepare the chickens for slaughter, cooking ketupat (a traditional style of rice in coconut leaves wrapped a special way, steamed for hours, and eaten with various savory meat dishes), sharing a room with her younger sister, sharing moments and memories with all six of the siblings, meeting the extended family at buffets for breaking the fast or celebrating Hari Raya, serving the extended family when we hosted, roaming around Melaka at night taking selfies, and MORE- it was one of the “sweetest” (literally and figuratively) parts of my year here. Just what I needed to break up a difficult month of fasting and hitting the half way point in my grant. I really wanted to feel as much as part of the family for that week as they would allow me- give me chores and work to do I pleaded! They did! It was great. I was so happy to have a family to be a part of when I was missing mine so much, even if just for a week. It brought my English teacher and I closer as well which was another bonus on top of all of the wonderful things that resulted from this week in Melaka with this family. I took a night bus home and got sick on the way back, nearly got stranded at 3am 4-5 hours from my Asrama (hostel) where I live in my state of Kelantan on the way home… but all apart of the adventure and worth the extended 12 hours overnight bus home!

I was stuffed SO full with each house visit and so tired after the trip but I would do it all over again. I loved everything about Hari Raya. I saw how special the holiday is, seeing the tight-knit community of family, Muslim culture, more exchange of ideas, religion, and culture as well as so many family photo ops. Another great week in Malaysia! I am so blessed to be in the placement I have, meet this generous teacher and her family, as well as have all of these amazing life experiences that help me grow in my faith, experiences, ideologies, and passions in this world. These are the moments that help me shape my adult life into the further adventures that lay ahead. Melaka for Hari Raya this day. Who can guess for tomorrow?!

 

Malaysia boleh on my Malay way. What a year so far!

Navigating through Ramadhan: Fasting and Culture 101

    RAMADHAN

So, with permission from my community, I decided to take it upon myself to attempt fasting for the entirety of the month of Ramadhan. My entire school community would be partaking as part of the Malay Muslim tradition here in Malaysia. Christians have their own times of fasting which I have always been curious about, and I thought this would be a good self-reflective as well as educational experience for me. It was a long month, arguably the longest-seeming month of the year but I made it!

Starting from the very first day I was very conscious of my choice not to eat. It is one thing to get caught up in things throughout the day, remain busy and forget to eat. However, making the choice not to eat, in this instance, from my experience was a lot harder to not focus on or pass the time without craving food. Food was on my mind all day especially at first. I had to wake up much earlier, I was trying to keep energy up while I was teaching, I was not sure I would make it through the whole month, even struggling through the first week. In the end, with a few flexible days to break the fast while I traveled or waking up slightly late and eating a bit later for a couple of days, I was able to partake the full month. With the late days, I gave myself a bit of a break since this was my first try.

I also still drank some water to keep myself from getting dehydrated in the heat which I share with me school. This was a point of contention however with my school community because to them, this is not a true fast. However, I tried to remind them, this was my way and my first time. Additionally I had no religious or cultural requirement to withhold from drinking some water. I was also worried about my health. And finally, there is a spectrum of fasting as I tried to explain with other religious communities of people. In some countries and communities of religions, fasting is just with holding from a certain food or pleasure for the time of fasting such as is typical for those who practice Catholicism during Lent. Others just do a solids fast such as Christians sometimes or other communities of Muslims. Then like Malaysian Muslims typically practice, there are people who withhold from eating or drinking from sunrise to sunset. Then there are even spectrums of requirements or decisions for fasting based on the time of the sunrise or the religious practice, etc. Then there are certain Muslim cultures and communities in other countries which do not even keep in the saliva in their mouths. Although, being in such a close-knit society without much travel outside of our kampung (village) or Malaysia, my fasting was very different from what they knew so it was difficult to navigate through conversations with some, but it created a great opportunity for cultural exchange.

I promised to commit to trying to participate in the whole month and journal all the while. This was a great exercise since I was not writing in my journal much this year before Ramadhan, which I regret. Since Ramadhan I have tried to journal once or twice a week to record my more intimate reflections and moments here aside from my blog narrative. It has been fun reading through this month after-the-fact and seeing how my reflection changed, noting which days were clearly harder than others, and what days were really positive in terms of self and religious reflection as I had hoped. The first two days I had energy and thoughts to fill two pages but most days after that were limited to just one. “And so I pray to be reminded of the reasons that I am choosing to do this, be true to myself, not to confuse those around me, also find a balance of remaining productive, find ways to relate to my school community, and have a lot of reflection time with God. And so the journey begins as it also continues…” Were my final words in my first entry. Compared to Day 5 “Couldn’t sleep for over two hours due to itchiness. I believe from bugs and being hot… We’ll see how my energy lasts tomorrow.” Clearly frustrated but trying to be hopeful for the next day. Honestly, journaling kept my mind balanced and focused on trying to think of the positive while processing this journey through Ramadhan and winding down at the end of the day.

My month became more and more tolerable as well as rewarding as I got used to the schedule and cadence of fasting. In the midst of all of this there was mid-year, breaking the fast with students, celebrating July 4th in Malaysia away from home for the first time (one of the big holidays for my family), typical monthly school activities minus my after-school activities plus lethargic students who were not motivated even for my most exciting lessons (most days), saw time flying by and two brothers finishing important years of school as I missed these important moments back home among others and remained abroad, listening to my sister and dogs grow up back home, get a new teaching timetable to adjust to (schedule), experience Hari Raya, and many other events in between. It was a whirlwind of a month that felt long during the hours passing by between sunrise and sunset as I waited for the time to break the fast yet included some of the most rich cultural experiences I’ve participated in during this year teaching abroad in Malaysia. I was invited to several student and teacher’s houses, including an English teacher whom I have grown close with over the year that you can read about in my Hari Raya blog post, and got to experience nearly the full Malaysian experience during this significant religious and culture time here in a Muslim Malay community. In my last journal entry I was more than thrilled to have pushed through and it made Hari Raya that much more special to experience as a reward! “Selemat Hari Raya! Yay, I did it! Finished, now to a day I have been excited about since hearing about it in January!…Then the grand tour began as we went to five…houses… I even tried to pace myself at most houses not knowing what foods were left in store at the next house…great to see all of the families…” I really enjoyed getting the homegrown experience with my teacher. I hope to reflect upon this time which was a different type of challenge than I have tried. Whether emotional or academically or otherwise before, this new physical challenge was a great feat! I was proud and blessed to have been awarded the strength to make it through. First time, a success! There were many tough days but the reward was greater than the defeat!

Fasting during Ramadhan… tomorrow lies ahead another mystery in Malaysia. On my Malay way…