Closing Time, Reflecting Upon the Year

A kampong backroad with beautiful greens. How I will best remember Malaysia- many hues of green!

TB to Langkawi SMKS field trip

 

This was a difficult year. I have to acknowledge that. Sometimes I forget that things are hard because I am trying to make things a reality. I tried to excuse behaviors, cultural differences, difficult social situations, uncomfortable times, and bad days for “it’s all a part of the experience.” Sometimes I need to stop, sit, and say “yeah, today was tough and it is okay.” That being said, it has been the most incredible year of my life.

TB to meeting my students for their school trip at Pulau Perhenthian. One of my favorite places in the world- most beautiful place I have seen and made many sweet memories there!

This year has challenged me more than I could have ever anticipated. I learned more about myself than I thought I could. Being a theatre person, you are supposed to know yourself well from the little to the big things. I saw more this year (than I even wanted to) of myself and learned what that meant. I grew as a person. I grew as a cultural member. I grew in my language skills. I grew in my interpersonal and intrapersonal skills. I fit into a new cohort of diverse Americans. I found a place for myself in a place and community very different from me. I fell in love with my school community, fellow staff, and students. It will be hard to leave.

TB to a montage a student made for me from my first English Beach Clean Up camp!

As many songs fly through my head while I try to capture my sentiments at the end of the year, I mostly hear and keep revisiting “Closing Time” by Semisonic. The lyrics are the most appropriate for how I feel and how I am coping with leaving this beautiful state and country. Truly words cannot fully capture my experience and time here but it is the closest I feel I will get for now. I know I will come back to visit someday but not knowing when, makes it hard to tell these teary-eyed faces that I will see them again someday. The line “time to go out from the places you will be from” is how I justify my leaving. Yes, it it time for me to go home. I miss my family, friends, and community. I am ready to see them even if I am not quite ready to say goodbye here. I am tired of the bugs, heat, and lack of freedom in my community here even though my school is like a family to me where I can be myself 100% with silliness or seriousness and they accept me. I found a job I love where I do not quite have the full responsibilities of a teacher but I am teaching and having fun with students!

TB to my Female Empowerment Camp with the help of Miss Rachel. Some Form 4 and 5 girls sporting their confidence poster of future goals 🙂

“I know who I want to take me home” my parents and my puppies at home. I want to embrace them, even if for a moment. They are so important to me and this was the longest and farthest I have been away from them. There is still a lot of time in life and there will be a time I can travel and return to Narnia (aka Malaysia) some day but it is not next month or possibly even next year. It is time and I want to return home even if just for a short while.

TB to the Kelantan Vocational Arts Camp 2015 with my SMKS boys at the Royal family dinner!

TB to one of the interviews I did on the radio talking about the arts camp 🙂

“Turn all of the lights on every boy and every girl… last call” in a metaphorical way. I am spending my last moments celebrating with my students and loving on each and every one of them as much as I can. I have one last camp I got an US Embassy Grant for to celebrate them and build up their school English library. I am entering as many classes as possible. I am trying to visit with families or students I have grown close to as much as possible. And soaking up all of the love they are giving me in return. “Last call” for selfies, “sweet memories”, and so on here. This is not over or the final end but the end of a chapter for now. I am trying to not say “goodbye” but “see you later” in reality, that I truly believe I will be back someday. Possibly sooner than I realize…

TB to one of my favorite units with Form 1: Going Places. Today we did stations and traveled to California, USA

Form 1 sporting their “passports” after a long week “journey” to the USA!

“You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here” is where I am now. Okay yes, technically, I have to go back to the states as per my contract before whatever my next adventure and career move is, knowing it could be abroad again or close to home. I am at a pass where I want to be, what I want to be, or what I want to do next year but I know I cannot stay here in Malaysia. This year has been a great experience but I realized it needed to stay isolated as a year and I need to move onto something else, whatever that may be. Stopping at home will be nice to refresh, recharge my batteries, and then make a clear decision about my next moves.

Form 2 deciding how they would feel with certain diabilities

Form 2 final posters for our unit on people with disabilities. Trying to imagine and sympathize. Powerful and emotional day in class

“This room won’t be open til your brothers and sisters come.” This line could be literal that I need to bring my family here the next time I come or that I will revisit with a new grown relationship with these community members that I stay in touch with while I am gone until I return. There are many people I will stay in touch with here in Malaysia. I let students add my personal Facebook account as well as teachers. I also will try to maintain WeChat and possibly download WhatsApp again to keep in touch with students. I was a student teacher last year so technically they were my first students but this was my first group of full-year students (pretty much). On top of the crazy experience of a year they watched me grow through alongside of them this year.

Captured moment of me teaching the entire school the Cha Cha slide in groups to nominate students for my Talent Show “Selising Idol” camp 🙂

“So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits. I hope you have found a friend.” Time to pack up my things and fly to the exit. I did make some friends and I will remember this place but it is closing time for me, so I got to go. “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” here in Malaysia. It is time for a new start in my life, something new, not knowing what yet. This ending starts a new beginning of something. I look forward to finding out what that is.

Some upper form boys teaching me the traditional performative art of Dikir Barat. A popular art form in the state of Kelantan where I have lived this year.

This has been a special year and trying to replicate it or add on did not seem right. It is now a foundational part of my philosophy as a teacher and citizen of the world. I will use this year to remember many things I am passionate about and want to fight for in society on small and large scales. Most of my ideologies were reaffirmed. Some grew, some changed. I am ready to jump into a new adventure while also learning this year what I need in my life to make me happy and comfortable. Closing time in Malaysia. On my Malay way… tomorrow, a new adventure begins.

Form 4 boys trying to be cool for a camera as we are in between takes of our film for the Sarawak Culture Exchange project we did with SMK Seburian

Bus moment from my last English camp buying books for the school library 🙂

TB to YES camp in Setiu, Terangganu making some friends my age 🙂

TB to teaching drama in my happy place, in my element at SMK Sri Nepah!

TB to first picture of my mentor and I when we first met!

TB to one of the first chorale speaking after school days this year 🙂

TB to a typical day in the office with some of my favorite people 🙂

Lyrics to Closing Time

Closing time

Open all the doors and let you out into the world

Closing time

Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl

Closing time

One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer

Closing time

You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here

[Chorus:]

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

Take me home

Closing time

Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

Closing time

This room won’t be open till your brothers or your sisters come

So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits

I hope you have found a friend

Closing time

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

[Chorus:]

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

Take me home

Closing time

Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

[Chorus:]

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

Take me home

Closing time

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

Music Video of Closing Time

Dealing with Disappointment in Malaysia yet the Beauty of Drama in ESL

So today was not the best day of my experience since being in Malaysia. I received some unfortunate news that was out of my control, unfair in my opinion, but could do nothing to change the results. The drama club I have been pouring my heart and energy into for over 5 hours a week (plus 3 hours of driving a week) was no longer going to be a part of my weekly schedule. The mentor at my friend’s school (which I was volunteering my time to help out with, yet pretty much lead the program) decided he wanted me out. Competition is in just over three weeks. We were planning to finish blocking the show today (meaning explain where the students will go and basic delivery of lines), yet the mentor wants to write a new script tonight and start over since “we do not have enough time” for the script I have been using with them. This makes absolutely no sense to me and I feel completely disrespected as well as disappointed with how this was dealt with behind my back and relayed to me through my poor friend put in a very uncomfortable position this afternoon.

Flash back to our rehearsal yesterday, things were going fine (in my opinion). Four administrators from the district, invited by this mentor were there to watch. I was the only ETA present and working on the rehearsal at the time. I was planning to cut out some lines since there were multiple complaints that the script was too long (which I cut out about two pages) and spent 20 minutes updating students with the new script. I warmed up the students using words that they were struggling to pronounce as well as have them practice projecting their voices which this mentor complained I was not doing enough of during rehearsals as well as expressed his extreme worry about the students’ progress in those areas. Then I proceeded to review blocking for the last five pages we learned last rehearsal to show our visitors our progress as well as teach six new pages of blocking with the goal to get through the last nine the next day, difficult but totally doable. Unfortunately, 15 minutes of rehearsal was me trying to explain my script, reasoning behind practice, and ideology behind preparation for the competition (mainly them expressing their complaints and worries over and over again without truly listening to my words) which wasted time. Ironically, time being the main factor of concern, time during rehearsal was taken to express this. Additionally, the administrators were talking loudly during the majority of the rehearsal which made it hard to be productive but nonetheless, “the show must go on” and so we did. I left the conversation early in hopes to return to rehearsal and be more productive with the students, which I was for the last ten minutes. At the end of rehearsal, I checked back in with the mentor to make sure concerns were covered or answered and that sentiments still remained positive towards the drama process. He expressed that everything was fine. He thanked me for all of my hard work and dedication, seeming to be sincere and looking forward to the next day. We discussed the positive progress that happened as well as my motivational speech I gave to the students about practicing their lines every night and getting ready for the upcoming competition, in which he seemed responsive in more positive ways than I had seen in the past two weeks. I left for the night, both of us with the expectation of me returning tomorrow (today, Monday April 20th) for another day of rehearsal. Or so I thought.

I cannot say what his exact intentions were however, the events that unfolded today, makes it seem as though there was an underlying agenda or change of thought (either way in which I was not regarded) to take a different path. I was put in charge of this program solely with the verbal expectations that this mentor, my friend (his ETA), and my other ETA friend (his housemate) would assist me during this process. I asked and reconfirmed with the mentor what he wanted to be in charge of which was nothing and his role in this process which was to just assist when needed. Each time we discussed this, he confirmed that he wanted me to be in charge of everything. I took his concerns into consideration. I took his advice although he and I both knew his knowledge of drama was minimal compared to mine, but nonetheless I wanted to respect him and his concerns and still have room for learning myself, especially in a foreign competition. I tried to be as accommodating for him in this experience as best I could. Yet, when the panic set in for him and something switched today, my time, effort, expertise, opinion, nor consideration came into play. Nor did the betterment of the students, in my opinion.

I am personally frustrated about this situation however I am more hurting for the students. They have put in a lot of hard work over the past month and now it is all being wiped away. I am not really sure what my next appropriate step should or will be at this point. I am meeting with the mentor and said ETAs next Sunday. I want to support these students. I want to express my feelings about how things were handled. Yet, it is not my school, these are not my students, I was volunteering my time, there was no contract, just verbal agreement for the terms, and I am busy as it is with my other commitments. This was just one of those extraordinary disappointments that are harder to bounce back from than a hot and rainy day.

There have been challenging times during this experience in Malaysia. I have tried to gain perspective and look at the positives through every negative situation. From flat tires to flus to classes or after-school activities being cancelled. This was a push just a bit too far from what I am able to just “bounce back from” without standing up for these students and what I think is right. From a human standpoint, I was disregarded as a dedicated person, pushed out for no fault of my own, and deceived during this process. I hurt for the students. I am disappointed in the leadership. I am not sure how much of this is a cultural miscommunication, misunderstanding, barrier, or otherwise versus a pure act of authority being exercised for reasons unknown to me. The pictures throughout this post are great moments I shared with these students.

There English was progressing. They were quick learning. They were new to drama yet their confidence was rising. The students were so eager to work hard and do well! We were so far into the script and they were just getting comfortable with the ideas and the story. We shared passionate, powerful emotions together through various moments from the warm-up to the reflection talk at the end of rehearsals. My design team was even coming together with ideas.

I am supposed to sit back, allow this to happen, and resume after May with this drama. Our work is basically being excused, for a new play written over night, and supposedly put together in four rehearsals. It is assumed I am supposed to hear about the students cramming this play in, support them, and return to mine for the leftovers of drama after competition is over. I am not upset about not going to competition with “my” work as the “director” but I believed in the play and in the students. We were making something powerful together about secondary students’ identity issues with real problems teens face today all around the world.

We were taking the inner-thoughts of teenagers and personifying them through “selfie” characters who mirrored the named characters throughout the show both showing the projected, vulnerable, and facade images of these caricatures of secondary students wanting what every teen at that age does: to be accepted and feel good about themselves. All in a second language for these students in less than two months- it was incredible! We presented these issues but also turned them on their head and made the audience question the real issues at hand: how serious some of these problems are for teens, as well as how to conquer them. It also addressed the universal idea of these issues across cultures (being that there were references both to America and Malaysia). Their collective deepest fear is suggested by Nicole in a moment of defending the “new and improved” her that her friend Sam is warning her is not the true Nicole that made her so wonderful originally. “But [people are] noticing. Besides, when it comes right down to it, don’t we all end up alone?” Then she grows into realizing the importance of making a positive and true image of yourself as well as embracing who you really are despite your bruises and blemishes “I can’t take back the things I’ve done, but I can change the things I’m going to do. Or at least I can try.” As one of the other characters is suffering from battling cancer this quote is shared “The last selfie [Tony] took was beautiful. [His] eyes winkled. The corners of [his] mouth were turned up. [He] was alive. And best of all, [he] wasn’t alone.” These friends journey together to find out what is really important in life, for themselves, and how to fit into their true skin. “It’s better to be yourself to risk being alone and find those who can truly like you. Live in the moment and keep the pictures for your memory.” This is such an important message we were ready to share at the state level of competition. I hope this message can be heard again through our play #Selfie in another way. Even if it just reached the students and stays there- it still was heard.

YES Camp in Setiu, Terangganu for Building Confidence in Cartoon World

 

This past weekend in April, I was lucky enough to participate in the first 2015 YES camp in Setiu, Terangganu. One of my housemates and I were the two representing ETAs working with YES exchange alumni to build confidence in students from 13 schools in the Setiu district. The students were so eager and bright. They were a joy to work with and the camp was full of silly, educational fun which is always my favorite. From obstacle courses throwing flour on each other to painting abstract art to music to writing love letters, it was a quick and rich bonding experience between us all. It was a neat experience to meet with local university students who were alumni of the YES exchange program travelling on scholarship to America and now able to share their unique stories and swap ideas about American culture with us during the down times of camp. We talked about high school life, highlighting the major event of a high school student living in America: prom from their perspective as Malaysians who do not have school dances as a part of their secondary schooling experience. We also talked about their different placements, food they ate, things they miss, and how their lives have been as they adjust back to the Malay style of things.

Not only was it awesome to meet the YES alumni and other fellow young adults from different parts of Malaysia but, we worked with some super smart kids who were excited and motivated to learn English from various schools throughout the state of Terangganu. These students were primarily science-track students (meaning top in their class) so we got to engage in deeper conversations with more complex levels of English than we were used to or usually able to do with our home students. The weekend was filled with fun, scavenger hunts, bonding, and creative activities. The goal was to let these kids experiment with using English in various ways, meet other like-minded students, see other young people from Malaysia as well as elsewhere using English in their professional lives successfully, and learn about future opportunities available to them after they finish secondary school. We wanted students to test their comfort level of English, culture, and life perspectives.

It was interesting to plan a camp with other Malaysians around our age. Typically when us ETAs plan our camps as part of our Fulbright ETA program, it is by ourselves or with other ETAs with the potentially help from our English teachers. Most of the planning comes from us and our Western way of thinking. This was a different experience. Most of the camp was simply outlined when we arrived so both nights of the three-day camp experience us leaders stayed up until 2am or so planning as well as prepping for the camp activities and programming to happen the following day. This was an unexpected piece of the weekend however, collaborating with these other young people helped us bond and was a great people-skill learning experience. We all had very different ways of thinking as well as backgrounds but were flexible enough to find compromises between all of us. My ETA friend and I has teaching experience, east coast Malaysian education experience, and were native English speakers. Some of them had traveled to America and used English extensively, others brought various professional and academic aspects of Malaysia to the table. It was a well-rounded group to bounce many ideas off of (hence why we stayed up so long but had a very successful camp!)

The programming started with us coming the night before for a meet-and-greet dinner then mini-tour of the campus before students were to arrive the following morning. We started discussing the goals and activities for the following day then took over this room to spread out and map out the supplies for each part of the day. We each had a session to lead or co-lead as well as a scavenger hunt station to logistically figure out. We went to bed and woke up the next morning exhausted but ready for the hundreds of students to pour into SMK Pelong, Setiu, Terangganu, Malaysia! We played ice breakers to get the kids ready to go, which did not take much since they were so eager to have an experience like this. Then we got down to business! The student helper staff was amazing! They helped us set up and take down everything, MVPS for the weekend!

The theme also explored identity as a Malaysian to build confidence, understand how they can use English in their lives now and in the future. Students by the end of the weekend were writing love notes and trading contact information to stay in touch. Not only that but of course a million selfies also ensued before we all parted our ways. Many fun games were played, many laughs were shared, talents displayed, notes given, a scavenger conquered, friendships started, stories swapped, memories made and much more. These pictures give a small snapshot of this incredible weekend, giving yet another dimension of life and education in Malaysia.